A THOUSAND MONKEYS
Holiday smorgasbord
By Blake Wolfe/The Scugog Standard

It’s Christmas (again).
_As is usual for this time of year, the keyboard clogs up and columns cease to flow like so much maple syrup over Dec. 25 pancakes. So rather than even attempt to write something vaguely resembling a single, unified piece, I will live up to this column’s title and with a ‘Feliz Navidad!’ fire off a piñata of holiday thoughts titled ‘Things I learned/realized this Christmas.’
_-Just how many Christmas songs contain references to pumpkin pie (three as of last count).
_Can someone please enlighten me? Don’t get me wrong, the undisputed king of the pie world is welcome at my table during any holiday meal (or any meal at all, really), but it still seems strangely out of place. I assume this has something to do with the U.S. Thanksgiving taking place so close to December? I’d expect to hear about mincemeat, but you know, it’s mincemeat. The less said the better.
_-How a two-year-old can remember what gift she really, really wants, even though she shouldn’t really have a concept of gift-giving/receiving yet.
_I’m witnessing this first-hand. I don’t know how it happens, but it does. I know I probably did it myself, but seeing it from the other side - when your own child gets an idea, no matter how mundane it may seem to us - for a Christmas gift, it’s not going away. Doesn’t matter if it was a month ago, or if they can’t work up the nerve to tell Santa what it is, you’ll be hearing about it. I don’t want to comprehend what would happen if we didn’t make it happen. (It will).
_-How the holiday parking lot intensifies impatience.
_Apparently using a neighbouring parking stall for 30 seconds to temporarily unload your cart is a serious Yuletide transgression. I silently wished the driver the gift of patience in return for her annoyed, puzzled look upon discovering that I was going to willingly delay her for half a minute. I know - the nerve.
_-How cynical I/we am/are.
_A lady asked me for help in the parking lot of one store last weekend with an unusual car problem. Though I couldn’t fix it, it wasn’t crucial to the vehicle’s safe operation so it appeared all was well. The first thing I thought of as I walked away was to check that my wallet was still in my pocket. I drove around to double-check everything was all right, partially out of guilt.
_-The thrill of finding a great parking spot (and revelling in the fact that you don’t need it).
_I enjoy the small things in life, and this is one of them.
_This time of year, there’s nothing like camping out in prime parking territory as you wait for your spouse with a coffee and muffin. Yes, it’s somewhat cold-hearted, but let me have this one. Beats the hell out of circling the lot and swearing at other drivers doing same. Besides, it’s not like I’m leaving the car idling. That’s what the coffee’s for.
_-How, despite the last three entries being common human traits, holiday generosity still knows no bounds.
_You can see it in the numerous toy drives happening every day this month, each one filled to the brim. If you came through the front doors of The Standard office any day this - or any - December, you’d understand our fear of being accidentally buried under an avalanche of plush bears and Hot Wheels cars.
_Apparently ‘recession this’ and ‘economic downturn that’ couldn’t Grinch away Christmas.
_Happy holidays!